In Memory of My Dear Blee...

Honey I am sitting down now at 1 am in the morning not being able to go to sleep because I want to talk to you so bad and tell you so many things I should have said but never did. I started reminiscing from the very first day that we met when I was 11 and you were 13 until our last moments together. You were into "Backstreet Boys" and I remember how you once announced at the breakfast table that you dreamt that night that you were getting married with Nick (main Backstreet Boys singer). We all cracked up and you soon joined us. You were the only girl that could win a wrestle match with one of the guys, the best at helping us steal chocolates from the pantry and watching "Power Rangers" behind the adults back at "getout time" was the highlight of our day.   
 And then I moved and only got back to seeing you about five years later. I must have spent three days at the house you were staying and I felt completely out of place when I first arrived. Yet there you were there to save the day! Not only did you come to talk to me and make me feel completely at home but you also fed me, lent me your towel to shower, made sure my bed was made and I had enough covers so I wouldn't feel cold, offered to lend me your makeup and treated me as if I was the most special person in the world. You always had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person ever and feeling unique was something that would happen whenever I was at your side. I also remember thinking what an excellent teacher you were as I watched you take care of my two year old nephew who just loved you to bits and pieces and would cry whenever taken away from you. And then the last night that I was there we sat down in the classroom and talked until the wee hours of the night - and from there a close friendship began.
As soon as I returned to Fortaleza you surprised me with the following orkut testimonial: “Christy.. there arent words to decribe the joy and the life you bring with you! Seeing you again was a gift God gave me, to assure me that he was there and that he cared. The way you still love and care for me now show me just how deep his love is. Its pretty screwy... doesnt make much sense other than to me. But you are an exceptional creation. Beautiful inside and outside. Thank you so much for everything that you've given to me. The memories, i take with me.. and i hope that someday soon ill be able to see you again, and that we can pick up right where we left off like we did this last time. I love you so much honey. It goes beyond the minds comprehension. Keep being Gods light... and yea miss me.. har har”
And from there we started writing our long emails, you remember no? Your emails honey were the best thing that would happen to me during the whole week as I knew that by receiving an email from you I could then write you back and tell you all I was going through too. You always knew how to make me feel better about what I was going through at the time and your positive attitude on life would make me want to be just like you: happy no matter what came your way. 
And then a shocking email came. You told me you were going to the States to start anew! I didn't like the idea that you would be so far away but was glad in seeing you so glad too. Right before you left you sent me another little message that completely made my day: “Just passed by to thank you once more for sticking through with me through my transition. Not too many ppl have shown me the love and trust and yea faith that youve shown me. Its still quite surprising for me how it seems that at least at this moment we are going through almost the same things.. .i dont get it. Its almost the same circumstances and all. Very odd. But hey if it makes you stay close to me.. like if i have to go thru the same things that you go thru them its worth it.. hehe i love you honey. I wont forget you.”
Our absurdly long emails continued and so did life. Things seemed so good for you there in the States that I couldn't help but smile whenever you came to mind. But after a while Baby, I questioned myself as to why your emails became shorter and less frequent. I missed our long "open-heart-tell-you-everything-in-my-life" emails but had to understand that your life had changed and all the while mine was changing as well. 
In the period of four years’ time a birthday message or a quick "hi" was pretty much what it summed up to. And then I had the dream. It wasn’t too cool and you weren’t doing too well and so I wrote you about it and let you know you were in my prayers, remember? I guess since then God was trying to give me some kind of wakeup call - I am so sorry I failed to listen. I am so sorry...
And then we saw each other again...I was scared that we would be like strangers as you know, that happens quite often. You know the person like you know yourself and then you guys separate one from another and then when you see that person again you wonder and ask yourself if you ever really knew them at all...the "click" is just gone. But gladly it wasn't like that at all with you...we saw each other and talked all afternoon long. There was definitely still that connection. I caught up on the last four years of your life and you so did you on mine. 
My fellow Aries, always crazy and wild, full of adrenaline and never afraid to try the new, to get to know the unknown. Each day we spent together was better than the other. You knew how to make me laugh in the most tragic of situations and I am sure some of the most embarrassing and hilarious moments of my life were spent at your side. 
We went out clubbing at a "Baile Funk" and you stood up for me and "protected" me from the Green Shirt guy that got rough with me...what would I have done without you there, eh?
We then decided that we HAD to travel together to SP on the same day, same flight. And so I bought my ticket and we waited excitedly for our trip together. There I am sitting on my seat and... No Blee! I waited and then pretended to be a foreigner and called the pilot and made him stall the flight for 15 minutes. Still, no Blee. I arrived all by my lonesome self at the airport in SP and waited four long boring hours until the next flight arrived and you along in it. You were in tears, my ass was square from sitting down for so long and we were both starving - yet we managed to still laugh aloud, take "bathroom pictures" and make a ruckus at the restaurant we went to. 
Love, you were a great example of also putting others wants before your own. Another memory I won't forget is the night we both went on a "blind date" your sister set up for us, remember? Your guy was an awesome dude and mine...well, no comments. He had a bit too much to drink and we nicknamed him "GLS" as he decided to tell me in detail how to get to each place in SP in detail: roads, lanes, highways included! You were having the time of your life with your guy when you noticed by my face that I was dreading having to stand "my guy" and so you looked at me and said: "Do you want to go? Go back home with me and my guy - we'll give you a ride back home."
Me: "But how about you? Aren't you having fun here?"
You: "Yeah I am, but I don't want to stay here if you aren't having fun as well. Let's go. We can stop at a gas station and have fun just the three of us. C’mon!"
And just like that, you turned that night into another awesome experience! 
Blee, I don't know what led you to do what you did but one thing I do know is that everything that we went through together was more than worth it. You never judged me for what I would do, act or say and so I won't do so with you either. I dont understand why you sucicided yourself and I know that will always be an unsanswered question in this life but I dont want to judge you for it and despite what you did this last day of your life my love, thoughts and respcect for you stand the same as it always was. While you lived you made others’ lives better and just like you touched my life and we partook of so many great memories which I treasure in my heart; I am sure there are hundreds of other people that can say exactly the same thing. Thank you for making a mark in my life - not only through your life but through your death as well. If nothing else your death woke and shook me up to how important each one of our loved ones is and how much someone may mean to us. I wish I could have wrote all of this before and told you how much the times I spent with you meant to me and the impact you had in my life just by being the friend that you were. If I could go back in time I sure would and I'd try to change a lot of things, but since that is not possible you can at least know that you are the one responsible for my desire in wanting to be a better person and also for making me think about life and change my priorities in this new year of 2011. 
I am sad for myself but happy for you. Sad for myself because I know I will miss you. Happy for you because I know that you are in a better place; a place without suffering, sorrow or sadness. In a place where you will come to find true love and joy and where you can live life as you always dreamed it to be. Please lookout for me up there, ok?

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

He spake well who said that graves are the footprints of angels.  ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
Thomas Campbell

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

Unable are the loved to die.  For love is immortality.  ~Emily Dickinson