Here are some "funnies" - little experiences that happen on my day to day that might be weird, ,freaky, confusing, hilarious or just plain WRONG!!! Here are a few to start off with:
Class in Big Fancy Hotel:
- Students today we will talk about love and relationships. Who wants to go first and tell their story?
- I can teacher. That was Renan, one of my two gay students.
- Okay, go ahead!
- Well, since I was young I knew I was gay but I fell in love with a woman and I told her: "Eliane, I am gay, I don't like guys but I love you!" and so we got married...
- Wait a second Renan, she married you even after you told her you were gay?! I questioned him.
-well, she knew I loved her so she agreed to marry me even knowing that i was gay. We were married for seven years and then we separated but until today my ex-wife and I are still the best of friends. I sleep over at her house, in her bed, both of us completely naked and nothing happens. She even had two kids after our separation.
- Renan, you have the craziest stories EVER!!!
- Well, after seperating I became completely gay and three years ago I met this beautiful man... lindo, lindo lindoooooo!!! He was only 18 years old and our age difference was of 19 years. But now he traveled to Rio because he entered the Navy. For me it’s being real hard...imagine teacher, all the handsome men that there must be there...aiii *sighs*
- Sorry to hear about that, but such is life no?! I was about to go to the next student when Renato continued - I after really wish he hadn't but at least that gives me a new story for you, readers.
-But do you think that I am here all alone? No way!!! I am now with another guy that is even "more lindoooou" than my true love. But this new guy is not my boyfriend, he is just my PA. I have a PA now.
- PA??? What is that student?
- PA teacher! You don't know what PA is?
- I have NO idea...really!
- Oh, I don't know if this exists in English but in Portuguese we call it Pinto Amigo!
(Little translation here: Pinto Amigo = Friendly Dick... :S)
- Do you have a Pinto Amigo/Friendly Dick teacher?Honestly, imagine yourself in my place: classroom with seven students each one with a different expression on their faces. I did my very best to keep a straight face and answer him calmly:
- No student, I don't. I, guess that I, being a woman am more prone to try to have something a bit more serious, something like a relationship or dating someone I like. I don't really have Friendly Dicks in my agenda; but I am glad that you have one... (That seriously came out WRONG!!!) Okay, who will be next?!
If that wasn't more than enough for one day, as soon as the class finished I took a cab and went shopping for a dress in the nearby local market. After entering a few shops and not finding any that corresponded to what I was looking for I finally entered a large store with an old lady sitting on a chair with a friendly smile on her face. I choose a few dresses to try on and not after long she starts rattling.
- Ohhh, you look just lovely. This dress stays just perfect on your body!!! My God- you look absolutely fantastic!
- Why thank you! I also really liked this dress; it's exactly what I was looking for.
- Here try this other one on...I bet it will stay amazing on you!
I tried the other dress on and once again another shower of praises:
- I knew I was right my dear! You have the kind of body that men can't stop but turn their heads around to stare...do you go to the gym?
- No, no... I don't. No time. I do need to go back to exercising though - can't wait to do so...
- Well my dear, let me tell you something: you are making a big mistake because I, with my age go to the gym - and it's not only to stay healthy but it's also to continue looking good and desirable - then imagine how much more important it is for you to work out! I, I love to wear these beautiful, sexy dresses that stay tight fitting on my body, even with my age I notice when men stop by and glance at me...I have a daughter that is evangelical and she only wears long and plain clothes to cover up her body and to top it off she is still quite chubby...but I really wanted her to have a body like yours and to wear the sensual dresses that I like wearing.
My God, what a crazy old lady... I thought to myself. She continued on with her monologue:
- But look at you now! I mean; you could wear this dress to work that your boss would go crazy over you and give you a promotion on the spot! Puff! Just like that!!! Having a big bottom really helps in some situations...it helps to call attention and that way our self-esteem continues high up... I love it when men wolf-whistle to me...makes me feel superb! And you, My oh my, you look like you came out of a fashion magazine, like the "sexiest actress of the year", don't you think so?!
I just smiled at her and continued trying on the dresses. Geez, she is worse in the head than I had thought her to be... She continued:
- Let me teach you a little trick: the shorter you wear the dress the more it accentuates your bottom. And the higher your heels are the thicker your legs seem to be. I can't wear high heels anymore but I still try to dress and look my very best to make a good impression on the men - I love it when they fall backwards for me! Such a good feeling!!!
Who in the world would even do that for you lady?!!! I wish I had even a iota of your absurd high-self-esteem!!!
- After you wear these dresses you can come back and tell me all the success that you've had in your work and about the new boyfriend you will have! And what will I say? Another satisfied customer - in more ways than one!!!
And with this she laughed at her own joke while I tried to suppress my own laughter.
- Another tip for you darling...most of these dresses have their own padding but if you wear a padding bra under the dress your breasts will look twice - or even thrice - their true size!!! I can already imagine men passing out, the traffic stopping and you being the hottest knockout ever! I know what I am talking about: I don't tell this to every girl because not everyone has your body - some of my customers are very fat and that ruins it for them and I try to be honest with them and tell them to buy some other piece of clothing - but you are not the case. I am sure you will come back later and thank me for my tips and tell me all about your the new boyfriend you got by showing off your sensuality in these dresses you've tried on!!!
Wow, all because of a dress! Hum, a dress that will get me a boyfriend, make all the men run after me, convince my boss to give me a raise (starting with the fact that I am my own boss!)...what else? If it were really that way I would gladly buy your whole store lady!
I left the store; dress in my bag and thinking that I hadn't had so much fun buying clothes in a longgggggggg time!!!
Disclaimer: ALL NAMES ARE FICTITIOUS - dates, places and events are FACTS!!!
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