PS: I Love You!!!

I'm back to remembering. Searching the back of my head trying to remember the first time I met you, funny it seems like we know each other since forever. But now that I got myself down to putting my mind in rewind mode I can remember the very first time I saw you. My parents had gone to Rio and we were spending the night at your place because you guys were our only "relatives" there (funny how we somehow are even related, heh!). I must have been around eleven years old and was in one of my rare shy moods, you were a little kiddo watching some video plopped in front of the TV and in one of your extremely outgoing moods...as usual!

 - So what's your name? You beamed a smile my way.

 - Christy. And yours?

 - Alissa.

 - Oh, I have a friend called Alissa (I didn't - I only knew someone of that name and thought that would be a great thing to say to keep our "conversation going") 

 - Well, good to know! Good to know! You turned right back at the TV and continued watching whatever it was you were watching.

 "Well so much for trying to talk to a kid!" I thought.

 As if you all of a sudden decided that our conversation was worth continuing you turned around to me and said:  - Well I said it's good to know because no one is called Alissa. My parents took a long time to figure out my name. I was a nameless baby my first few months alive. So it's good to know that there is at least another person with the same name as mine.

 "If she says 'good to know' once again I swear that will be her new nickname!" I thought again to myself.

 - Well it's a nice name anyways. A pretty name.

And that was the beginning of our friendship. Well up to that point it wasn't really a friendship because other than spending all night awake talking and making your mom come make us shut-up half a dozen times I didn't get to see you again until many years later. But there is one thing about that night that always stuck to my mind until today (10 years later!): You were a whole lot more mature than anyone your age I had ever met. And that's the way it is until today. The way you can get along with many people that are even twice your age is impressive! You can carry a conversation with a baby and make him giggle while you are at it, give the best advice ever to a friend your age or stop, listen and answer completely on the same level with someone many years older. You never had a problem relating with people no matter the difference on social status, age range, growing up environment - whatever it was, you always knew how to fit just fine into any situation you were faced with!

I saw you again for the second time almost six years later. But it was brief and short and we laughed as we remembered that one night we spent together so many years ago.

And then I moved to Rio. Right next to your house. Walking distance actually. Okay, and now for the truth. When I first moved to the "Casanova/Shangri-La" Home and got to see you every here and there whenever I went over to your place for a friendly neighbor’s visit (or the other way around!) I couldn't help but think you were kind of bratty, spoiled and superficial. A kid. No big deal. It wasn't that I didn't like you, I did. But it wasn't like I was all that thrilled being around you. You were fine to be around but that was about it. And it wasn't even something conscious; it was just the way it was.

When that completely changed...well I can't say for sure when that was but one experience makes me remember how much I thanked God to have you by my side and had to actually admit to myself that it would have been twice as worse if you weren't there with me. It was our "Ilha Grande" experience. About thirty of us all went out camping to the scenic Ilha Grande - all excited and expecting the craziest, coolest, adventure-filled, camping trip. Oh we were more than mistaken!!! Pretty much everything that could have gone wrong went wrong! The weather was rainy and we couldn't do half the hikes that we had expected to do, people were cranky, the organizers were bitching about anything and everything, and because you girls were so against having to sleep with a certain someone (ahem!) I was put in the middle of the story and you girls convinced the staff to exchange "sleeping partners". I was fine with that until I found out that that meant squishing in a tiny tent with three other long-legged, squirmy, steal-your-blanket girls (or was I the one that had forgotten my blanket and decided to grab yours in the middle of the night?!). Backaches, neck aches and long sleepless nights followed making us all the more grumpy and irritable. 

But then somehow we found out our own way of having fun. We dogged half the rules, broke the other half of them, held myself not to laugh when I "staff member" got corrected by another "staff member" hearing you girls giggle in the background and then bursting out in laughter as soon as it was over, peaked and spied on everyone that was worth peaking and spying on (and even on those who weren’t!) and we sang... yes we sang our hearts out!!! You played the guitar and sang me your songs and every other song that I'd request from you. And when I got tired of singing along you'd continue singing and playing every song that I'd ask you to. The last day of our little excursion on our way back to "Home sweet Home" as you played song after song to me was the day I found out that there is nothing that soothes Christy more than having Alissa play for her. Any single worry or problem that might have been in my mind just disappeared as soon as you'd start strumming your guitar - and it's that way until today as well. Nope, I don't have the "flesh and bone" Alissa but you bet I have ALL your songs - and their lyrics - so that I can sing along while I play them over and over again. I have them on my MP3 to listen on the bus (believe me it calmed me many times when I thought I was just about to cuss at some guy rubbing me the wrong way - and yes, I mean that literally! ugh!), I have them on my laptop, and of course I have them in my head memorized down to the last word to sing them in the shower (yeah, I tried other places but had some honest souls asking me to shut up...what can I do? I am not you!). What you've got Hon is an amazing talent. You have the power to reach out to souls, to make others listen to you and what you have to say independent if they want to hear it or not, you can impart your feelings and thoughts to others - be it a feeling of joy, sadness, faith, love, regret, fearlessness, freedom - you spread it to others as they listen to your amazing voice; and believe me, to be able to do that is one amazing gift you've got!!!

Back to my story... after our little "Ilha Grande" episode I all of a sudden started seeing you in a different light. I took more interest in getting to know you - the real you - what you were besides the "happy Alissa" you showed to the general public. And the more I got to know the more I wanted to be closer to you and get to share more with you, talk and confide and just be there as you started being there for me.

When I went to spend those two months at your house I inwardly feared that the great friendship we had created might get a bit dull or that we might bore each other out or get to one another's nerves since I would be sleeping in your room everyday - and you know, me and you both being a bit feisty and witty might not help much... heh!

But much to the contrary. We all of a sudden just bonded even closer than ever before. My secrets became your secrets and when I woke up feeling nervous or anxious about the future it was amazing how you could just read me and know what was going on my head - and then wash it all away as you'd sing to me for hours - as long as it took for me get back on my feet again. 

We would do sooo many crazy stuff remember Hon? While you were the soothing, loving and listening ear I was the one that would pull you into the most embarrassing situations ever making you want to cave a BIG hole and jump deep into it never to come out again. Sometimes I swore you wanted to just pass by and tell all the very amused onlookers: "Who? This crazy girl 100 meters in front of me? Oh, I have NO idea who she is!!!" But much to my surprise you'd instead always go right along with me and sometimes even just add to the embarrassment by jumping into the wild situation with both feet. Like that once that we went to PROJAC together to do your acting audition and then had a discussion about crossing the street - there we were both yelling at each other, each one on one side of the street until you could stand it no longer and threw your jacket (or was it your peep toes?) at me while I ran dogging away from them. Cars started to beep and male Cariocas scram hornynesses at our way until we both fell into hysterical laughter clutching our stomachs and then walking side by side as if nothing at all had happened.

We confided to each other pretty much everything that used to be hidden deep inside - things we wouldn't tell a single soul. Be it guys, gossip, sour friendships, family issues, some low self-esteem deal - whatever it was there we were babbling about it for hours on end over a cup of hot tea, pajamas, a chocolate bar and then always to finish it off: Gossip Girl!!!

Sad was the day that I left your house and then soon after left to Fortaleza to give myself a breather and some time to figure out what I needed to do in my life. As all things change, I also decided to change and off came the big news that I was no longer going to stay in Rio but was now definitely staying in sunny, tropical Fortaleza.

And so we made the most of our last month together. Everything we did together was like replaying all our many experiences together just that this time it was ten times better because we knew that it would all become a treasured memory. 

Dress shopping for your Birthday, going to the beach together, being chased by two creeps and having make a run to spare not being robbed, stuffing ourselves up with acai and vintage muffins, losing your cell phone, movies together...and the list goes on. But the best night was the one in which we both locked ourselves inside your room and made each minute count. We exchanged gifts and you read me the nicest (and longest!) letter ever! And you cried while at it and right after I was sobbing as well. Yep, we are both two mushy gushy girls...now that's something embarrassing to say out loud...hahahahha!!! And of course I made you sing to me the song you wrote for me about half a dozen times (at least!) and we talked and talked deep into the night promising each other that distance would never ever take apart what we have - a friendship that is just ours: "Christy and Alissa style". And no, I won't even try explaining that because for some things in life an explanation is just not worth it. Our friendship being one of them - the feeling in our hearts beats any explanation.

And now a little space just for you:

Ally Ballaly, on this VERY VERY important day of your life all I wanted is to be by your side laughing at the most stupid things ever, being totally girly going out dress shopping with you, talking and telling one another the latest news (just that takes half the day!) and then slouching in some comfy place drinking tea and hearing you play your guitar - and of course finishing the day dancing all night long until our feet hurt and we need to drop our high heels...and go right back to dancing again until the sun comes up!!! 

But since I am not there I wish you instead that all your dreams and wishes come true, that you achieve those great big goals in life you want and have more than enough potential to reach. That you look back at the year that has just gone by and smile feeling fulfilled seeing how far you've gone and how much further you will yet go this year - and most importantly never forgetting that no matter what: I LOVE YOU!!!

"Wanna take this time

Leave it all behind

Look around me and just dance

Till my shoes ask me to stop and I'll take them off and laugh

Why worry about the troubles?

Why worry about the fights?

Why worry about the present time when still have our whole lives?

Let it all hang out

Just live for now

Let your hair down and come dance.

Come rain come shine

We'll forget about time

Just close your eyes and we'll dance

I want to see the sun rise and feel the sand on my feet

Watch the colors fade in the sky and take this time to breath

Why worry about the troubles?

Why worry about the fights?

Why worry about the present time when still have our whole lives?

Let it all hang out

Just live for now

Let your hair down and come dance

Come rain come shine

We'll forget about time

Just close your eyes and we'll dance."

Going Dutch?

A recurrent topic which has been frequently coming up is the one about bill paying. The big question was (and still is) should a man foot the bill when he calls a girl on a date? And what about on the second date? And what about when you are already dating?

I always had a very strong opinion on this topic and was always more than ready to give my two percent (something which I will soon be doing here!) but since this subject was continuously being brought up by both my male and female students I noticed how much opinions differ.

A personal experience which my beautiful model-like student, Rafaela told me left me holding my sides of so much laughter...it was something like this:

Rafaela: I can't pass by a Bebelu's that I automatically grimace.

Me: Me too...I hate grubby food! Plus, everything that is on their menu includes meat which makes life all the harder for a vegetarian. Last and only time I went there I was forced to eat Styrofoam french fries as there wasn't anything else.

Rafaela: I actually don't mind the food there and up to a short while ago it was one of my regular snack spot.

Me: Ohhh...so, why the hatred towards Bebelu's?

Rafaela: Now this is an embarrassing story.

Gleide, Rafaela's classmate laughed aloud.

Me: Now I'm always up for an interesting story! :D

Gleide: Go on, tell the story - I want to hear what Christy has to say about it - I can only imagine...

Rafaela: Well, one extra opinion never hurt anyone - even if it means some extra embarrassment. I had this guy a while ago that I'd go out with and stay every now and then - nothing serious, just some fun.

Me: Friends with benefits!

Gleide: That's what you call it?

Me: *little grin* yep! Isn't it so? So what happened to your "benefited friend" Rafa?

Rafaela: One lazy afternoon as I was studying in my room he just appears out of nowhere and barges in. And then invites me out for a snack at Bebelu's. Since I had been studying all afternoon and my mind was almost entering "mental breakdown" mode I agreed right away! Lucky me I brought some money along, you know "just in case" but I most definately wasn't expecting to spend it.

Me: I also have that "always-bring-some-money-just-in-case-of-an-emergency" mindset. 

Rafaela: Yeah. So me and the "boy" start ordering. And that day I was hungry, like REALLY hungry! While I picked out the biggest, largest, tallest, most expensive sandwich in the menu I notice he asks the waiter for the smallest, tiniest, thinnest sandwich - that is, if you could even call it a sandwich!

Me: Geez...that's a big 'RED LIGHT" flashing signal in itself!

Rafaela: Believe me, it gets worse! As I sipped on my extra-large coke I see the "boy" discreetly call the waiter and barely mutter out if he could get him a cup of water. I at first thought I had heard wrong, but no, he actually asked for a cup of water "on the house" which meant tap water straight from the faucet! My bottom felt like slipping all the way down the chair and under the table and then running away crouched down all the way back home! 

Me: But did he at least pay the bill?

Rafaela: ARE YOU KIDDING? I paid the bill, got up telling him that I needed to go back to studying while he said: "I thought I was at least going to get a kiss from you..."

Me: Huahauahuahuahuaah!!!

Gelide: Hahahahhahahahaha!!!

Rafaela: You guys laugh all you want. I felt like whacking the wacko and never again went out or even saw him again! And then he still has the nerve to send me the following text message: "Where are you? What did I do that you don't want to go out with me anymore?"

Gleide: Talk about some nerve there!

Me: Look, honestly speaking for myself: I don't mind paying the bill! I really don't mind going Dutch!

Gleide and Rafaela: WHAT???!!!
Me: It's true. I don't. It's the following: We are no longer living in the nineteenth century anymore - we're in the 21st century that's what! We woman now work, make good money, fend for ourselves and the likes. But I will tell you what I do mind: I do mind when a guy doesn't try to impress me. Because the one thing that every man craves from the woman he cares the slightest about is something called approval. And the way men get approval is by impressing the women they go out with. And what's the best way to impress? Yep, by paying the bill! If the guy doesn't have the money to pay the bill and wants to impress you he should either be honest with you (which is VERY rare, but every now and then it happens) or he take you out somewhere he can afford to pay, and he'll pay! For me the only problem when a guy doesn't offer or try to pay my share of the bill - especially when he's INVITED me out - is that I stay with a little thought at the back of my head thinking: how much am I worth to this guy?! If he isn't even trying so much as to make a good impression on me by at least offering to pay the meal he's invited me to then I don't know why I'll want a second date with this guy!

Gleide: Funny, I hadn't ever thought about it that way, but you definitely have a point there!

Rafaela: Completely agree with you Teacher! If the "boy" had been honest enough instead of just surprising me with his suspicious manner and later on with the bill I wouldn't have gotten so horrified and repulsed by him. I would just have let it go and most likely we'd have other future "Bebelu Snack Dates!"

Me: Yeah, seriously, if the guy can get to be humble enough to tell me that he is going through a rough patch or can't afford to pay that will just make me respect him all the more and I'll more than gladly pay the bill - Okay, only my part of the bill that is- I'd never pay a guy's share no matter how bad he's doing financially!

Gleide: Hahaha...totally agree! Or just do some kind of outing that doesn't involve money.

Me: Yeah, why not? I am going out with him because he is good company or whatnot and not for his money. And in my conception I think that when you do get to dating there is absolutely nothing wrong in going Dutch. I sure wouldn't mind it at all, I'd most likely even push for it. Call it feminism or whatever but I think it's only fair and even good to keep a relationship even and clear that you are with the guy because you actually like him and not because you are interested in his money. Really, if it was about the money then all I'd have to do is get some rich gringo guy to support me! Ewwww....

Rafaela: Sad only we women go through this, no?

But only a week later I found out - much to my amazement - that Rafaela was wrong! There I was at the big fancy hotel I give classes to when I bump into my gay student, Renan. 

Renan: Hi darliiinggg!

Me: Hi darling! How's work? And do come up with a good explanation of why you missed out on class today!

Renan: Ahh, just too much work to do. 

Me: Humm, I see. Sorry to hear that. So, any recent news? Any new boyfriend in your life?

Renan: Nope! Just sad cases...men nowadays aren't what they used to be before.

Me: Well look at that! Now that's something we both agree on. Hehehe... but do explain the reason for your whole frustration with the male species. You know, you're a guy and so you should understand your fellow male companions’ just right. Really, if I could ever be a lesbo - which I just CAN'T - I don't think I'd be having too many problems. I understand my species so well. All you do is give them lots of nice compliments, attention, listen to their long-winded conversations, give them that plain old shoulder to cry on...it's not much of a secret! So tell me why you that are gay can't even get that to work!

Renan: You teacher always prodding in my life - and I LOVE it!!! You can actually get me to talk and open up.

Me: So go ahead. Open up!

Renan: I had this guy I was flirting with...I met him at Badoo...

Me: Ohhh...an internet "get laid" site. Wow!

Renan: Exactly! Well, then the other day I suggested we meet up somewhere to see how we would hit off. He instantly said he thought it was a great idea and asked me where I'd like to go. I told him that I enjoy quiet places and that a little bar would do just the trick for me. And do you know what he then answered back?!

Me: What?

Renan: HABIBS!!!

Me: WHAT?!!!

Renan: Yes you heard it, HABIBS!!! He still added that it had a great "family environment", can you believe it?!

Me: Oh believe me, I can! Well, that way at least you don't have to worry about going Dutch!