Shizzle my Dizzle!!!

 I love all my students. I honestly do. And ex-students as well...well, that is, with one exception - and this little exception will be my story of today: the only two students (out of more than 100!!!) that I just couldn't STAND!!!
Who were these? They were called Larisse and Kelly
What's with them? they would just drive me mad in a maddening way. How? by being so perfect, so boring, so right and justful, always correct - not a single strand of hair out of place, not a single desire to risk it all away, to make a mistake, to laugh like a hiena, or to pronounce a word without the exact intonation Shakespeare himself would intone on one of his plays - they were so afraid...afraid of doing anything other than the norm, afraid of what others might think of them.
Their life: no kids, no boyfriend, never been married, don't party, don't make new friends, don't have sex...don't, don't, don't!!! 
Mom: Hi honey! 
Me: Hi mom *sighs*
Mom: Is everything okay? 
Me: Well, kind of... do you remember those two students that I asked you to  give classes to when I was in Rio and SP last month?
Mom: Which ones?
Me: Larisse and Kelly.
Mom: Yess, do I remember them! 
Me: Soo, I don't know what to do! This never happened to me - having to have students which I dread having to teach. I love ALL my students - I do!!! And you know, that's the secret of my success: I actually like what I do! I like seeing my students grow, learn how to become fluent, talk to them, etc. etc. Yet these two students are just a bit too much!!! Can you believe that last Monday when I was done giving them class and started putting away my books Larisse looked her watch and then said: "Teacher, we still have three minutes of class to go." I mean, really, who says that?!!! I had to bite my tongue not to answer back: "I arrived five minutes early, now what?!"
Mom: Hah! That happened with me too - but it was eight minutes instead of three.
Me: See?!!! That's what I am talking about! Nothing I do is good enough for them. I know that all my students are older than me, some pratically half a century older and yet all of them know that I am the teacher and give me full authority in their learning process and a bunch of respect to top it off as well. Larisse and Kelly do just the opposite. If I tell them we are going to do a game they say that it's too embarassing; if I give them a song to learn they complain, when I mention I am going to give them a test or quizz they have to pop in their oppinion of how "such and such"is too hard or too easy or too boring or whatever!!! And then when I ask them for a better suggestion or something that they'd rather do instead they just give me a blank "panckake batter face"
Mom: Pankacke batter face?!!! What's that?
Me: Believe me, you don't want to know! Anyways, I am just scared I might blow up and that won't be cool...
Mom: Honey, I understand you and know what you are talking about. I also had a bit of a shock the first two classes that I gave them but then I thought to myself: "Everybody has their own problems and these girls must end up blowing all of theirs on the poor, helpless teacher" and when I thought about that I felt like being nicer to them, having an extra dose of patience and love and doing my very best.
Me: They need sex that's what!!!
Mom: Honey!!!
Me: Oh cmon, it's written all over their faces!
Mom: Still, you have to do your part. Give it a try - it won't hurt you any. You should pitty them, really! 
Me: Okayyyyyyyy... I will do my best. 


But sometimes pity just isn't enough - and that day was one of them...




It was Kelly's birthday and I took the pains to make some delicous brownies for her. I bundled them up and off I went to my weekly dreaded class with the only students that somehow were able to make me want to scream.


Me: Good evening!
Kelly and Larisse: Good evening teacher! They both chorused.
Me: Happy Birthday Kelly! *Big hug* Wish you the very best this new year of your life.
Kelly: Thank you teacher!
Me: By the way, I made some brownies for your birthday.
Kelly: Your famous brownies? How sweet of you for remembering!
Kelly took the plate of brownies from my hand and put them in the fridge. 
I sat in silence, opened my books and thought to myself: "She can't even be polite enough to offer a peice...geeezzz!"
Larisse: Hey Kelly! You won't even offer us a peice of brownie? I am dying to taste our teacher's famous brownies.
Kelly: I wanted them all for myself, but I guess you both can have some. The teacher first. Christy, do you want a small or medium peice?
Me: I want a big peice! I answered loud and clear. 
*Shocked expression on both Larisse and Kelly's faces*



After the brownie peices were served Larisse picked up a DVD and handed it to me.
Me: "Two And a Half Men"?! 
Larisse: Oh teacher, we didn't get "Friends" like you told us to because we wanted to watch this one instead. I know you said that it's for more advanced students but me and Kelly think we are advanced enough to understand it.
Me (after biting my tongue): Well, "Two and a Half Men" has a lot of pun on words but if you both think you can understand it, then okay! Let's start by first watching it in English with Portuguese subtitles and then re-watching it in English with English subtitles, ok? 
Kelly: I don't think that is a good idea!
Me: Why is that? 
Kelly: Because we want to watch it completely in English without any Portuguese subtitles.
Me: Um, well I wouldn't reccomend that. I think we should watch it first with Portuguese subtitles and then English ones because that has worked really well with all my other students.
Larisse: I side with Kelly. I think we should only watch it in English!
Me: Oh well, go ahead then!


They turned on the DVD and I sat down expecting to have a nice 30 minutes to myself enjoying "Two and a Half Men". Was I wrong! Every single phrase that either Charlie, Jake or Alan would say they would immediately press the pause button and ask me to translate what was just said. As much as I tried to explain to them that this was worth just as much as nothing when it came to their learning English they couldn't care less and pretended that they hadn't heard me. And all the while my nerves were mounting up and I did my very best to control myself for the longest 30 minutes of simultaneous translation (because honestly, that was pretty much what I was doing!) I ever had in my whole life. 


Those long 30 minutes were almost coming until an end when suddenly Jake blurts out: "Sizzle my dizzle!!!"
Pause button immediately pressed. Both faces looking towards me waiting for my translation.
I looked at them and said: Jake says something nasty, nothing worth translating.
Larisse: Why not?
Me: Well, it's not something nice he says... (for those of you who don't know: 'Shizzle my dizzle' = suck my dick) 
Kelly: And we can't know what it is he says?
Me: I think you both wouldn't really like to hear it.
Minute of silence.
Larisse: Kelly, the truth is that I don't think our teacher knows what it means herself and so she tells us that she'd rather not tell us.
Kelly: I bet so too... If she knew she wouldn't have a problem in telling us.
And that is when I felt my blood rise and rise and rise some more. But instead of letting it burst out I held myself and answered them calmly: "Well, if you both insist on knowing let me tell you what it is then: (and I went on to give my own little literal translation of 'sizzle my dizzle' because I didn't think they deserved the correct answer anyways!) To start off, do you know when you put a pan on the fire to dry and you forget all about it?
Both Kelly and Larisse nodded their heads affirmatively.
Me: And then when you go into the kitchen you throw some water in this pot or pan to cool it off and yet because it's so hot when you throw the water inside it just evaporates and makes that little sizzling noise...that's what sizzle means... kind of like burn - or something of the sorts.
Larisse: Oh, okay.
Kelly: And how about dizzle?
Me: Dizzle now means dick! So the translation to "sizzle my dizzle"would be: Burn my dick! (I said the last three words with an unusual enthusiasm from my part). As soon as I said that Larisse pratically fell of her seat and Kelly gave a little shriek. Both were with their eyes wide open in utter horror and disgust. I did my very best to hold back my smile of sheer satisfaction. 
The feeling of "mission accomplished" I got from both their reactions were more than enough rewared for all the many long and gruelsome classes I had ever given them.
Before next Monday came around I had around I had already phoned them to give them the news that I would no longer be able to continue giving them English classes. The truth was that I didn't want to give them the opportunity for payback!