Rascal Returns! Yes, he returns either every Tuesday or Thursday morning. Most always he is 15 minutes late, wearing his Tommy Hilfiger flip flops, sarcastic smile and flabby belly (ok, it has gotten a bit better since he started exercising sing, but still!). Whenever he enters I know I am up to hearing something I'll grimace or frown at and he most certainly is up to something.The other day in the middle of class he all of a sudden stops middway (something I already got used to...it means that he is tired of my drilling him over and over and wants to gossip, yep you heard me right - gossip!) and says:
- Hey, I haven't told you my latest yet.
- Hum...let me guess? Your latest catch?
- But of course. *smug face* Well, so don't you want to hear all about it?
- Do I have a choice? Spill it. I am your teacher, it's the least I can do for you...you know, listen to your immoral stories.
- You like hearing them!
- Hahahah, okay I must admit I do! You serve for some good entertainment...sometimes!
- Well, this girl is from my drama course.
- Ah yes...I remember you had enrolled into some drama classes. So, what about this girl?
- Cristina. She is this shortie 19 year old - you'd think she is a saint but ahhh, you have NO idea! She has a boyfriend so she is just using me for sex - A-DO-RO!!!
- Ohh wow! That must either mean that her boyfriend REALLY sucks in bed or she's pretty whorish - and well, even if her boyfriend actually does suck in bed she is still whorish in my conception. Not that that makes you innocent - it just makes two of you. You cheat on your girlfriend and she cheats on her boyfriend as well. You guys should get together, you match you know?
- Ah teacher...stop being such a party pooper. You are no fun today.
- Okay let me try this then: YAY!!! A girl that is cheating on her boyfriend with you!!! WOW, isn't that cool? All women should do that - isn't that just the best thing I have heard today!
- Be quiet and listen. Either you give me positive feedback or you stay quiet.
- Not a peep comming out of my mouth then.
- Exactly what I wanted to hear! Now I can tell my story...
- Of how you got her laid?
- What happened to the "not a peep coming out of my mouth"?
- Ah, forget that! So tell me, what trick did you use this time that I don't know about yet?
- This trick my mother taught me. My mother was born in a small countryside town quite far from Fortaleza. On Christmas it was tradition to kill a large bird to serve at Christmas Eve. Most families didn't have much money to go all the way to the city to buy a turkey or chester so this bird would do the trick. The problem is that it's flesh is very hard to chew and far from being that nice tender meat most families have at their Christmas feast. So what was the trick to make the meat softer? A few hours before killing the bird my mother would get the bird drunk - very drunk - because the alcohol relaxes the birds muscles and makes the meat tender. The drunker the better and easier it was to eat! And it's the same way with women. You see, even my mother taught me something about women. I grew up with this story in my head and as I've grown older I've applied it in my relationships with women.
- Ok! To start off girls that let themselves get drunk or even tipsy when out on a date are completely immature and must have no idea what the hell to do when out with some guy - especially on their first date. Any girl with a head would know better!
- And a girl with a head you mean you?
- Oh yes! I am definitely not putting myself with those other girls...you know, the ones that get drunk so you can get to do "the naughty" with them.
- Hahahaha...but who said they don't want to do "the naughty" as you put it as well?
- I'm fine with that...them "doing the naughty" if that's what they want to do - I'm all for sex!!! But they should do it with a clear head and because they actually want and choose to and not because they are drunk senseless out of their minds to what is going on! But then again, maybe not! It's acutally good you get them drunk Rascal, that way forget all that happened just a few hours ago and don't get traumatized with the memory for the rest of their life!!!
- Ahh, traumatized? Asking for more I'd say!
- Poor lost helpless souls! oh let me add, desperate as well!
- Lets go back to class!!! Rascal immediately opens up his book and shoves his face in it.
- Good! Lets go back to class! No more talking going on now.
But it seemed like that phrase entered one of his ears and came out another because once again, only thirty minutes later he crosses his arms and starts bitching about one of his steady "snacks" (he calls the girls he has sex with the girls he "snacks on"; I am guessing then that his girlfriend must be the "main meal").
- Hey remember that girl I told you about? Camilinha?
- Um hum... if I recall correctly she is the one that you have sex with every Wednesday afternoon?
- That's her! Well she phoned me the other day to tell me that she was starting to go out steady with some random guy. Rascal frowns.
- Well good for her! Why the frown Rascal?
- There is no frown. * He frowns even more* I just think she is being totally stupid. She has me, she has sex, I give her enough attention and freedom so she should be happy.
- Girls usually aren't like that Rascal. The female human being feels special being "unique" and her having you just for sex must not make her feel all that unique since you do you have a girlfriend over her. She is just "A Outra" (what Brazilians call "the lover").
- But there is nothing wrong being "A Outra" - there are only benefits choosing to be "A Outra".
- Oh really? Enlighten me here. Because the only benefit I can see being the lover is that at least the guy isn't lying to your face and you won't feel a complete moron when you discover your loving and faithful boyfriend has been sleeping around with some other woman. But then not all guys cheat on their girlfriends... so if that's the case I still do rather having the girlfriend title.
- That's where the problem lies teacher! That's all the girlfriend has: the title!!!
- Maybe your girlfriend yes, but I wouldn't generalize now. But you were going to tell me the benefits of being "A Outra" weren't you?
- Yes, and I still am! Now listen and learn.
- I'm all ears! :D
- Okay! Benefits of being "A Outra" (which I will from now on just call "The lover"):
- The lover has the weekends off to have fun and enjoy it with her friends since he has to stay with "the girlfriend".
- He won't ever be frugal with the lover.
- He'll always be well dressed, showered and perfumed when he's with the lover. With the girlfriend he already tends to be more laid off in his appearance.
- The lover always receives the best gifts.
- The lover is free to stay and go out with other men. She isn't bound to one guy. Hooking up and meeting other men is an option if she wishes to do so.
- He will never be "unavailable", "tired" or "not up for sex" with the lover.
- The lover doesn't have to stand his bad moods, grumpy days, anger strikes or anything of the likes. She can leave whenever she wants and it's not a big deal. They are back to speaking normally the next day.
- So in your opinion it's better to be the lover then?
- Obviously! Didn't you just listen to me listing all the great benefits of being the lover?
- I did but I still have my personal opinion as well and even after hearing all of your so called "lover benefits" I still refuse to ever be "the lover" - if nothing else I can be all that the lover is just that with a single and available guy - not with someone that is married or in a relationship. I'm a strong believer in "what goes around comes around" and I sure hope that I won't ever have a boyfriend that spends all his money, energy and good looks with "the lover". No thanks! Anyways, back to the class - you've spent more time giving me "man whore behavior" class than I have giving you English class.
But as should have been expected, half an hour later when he once again is tired of my drilling him out, he interrupts class and goes back to his immoral talks:
- Hey teacher open up my Facebook...I want to show you something.
- Opened it. What is it that you want to show me?
- Take a look at this chick!
- Ummm...she's hot. Whoa! Major big ass!!!
- Hahaha...the other day I was talking to her and I called her "my little bee".
- Because of her ass???
- Yes! Though of course when she asked me why I'd call her "my little bee" I told her it was because she is so nice and small.
- Ah, so now she goes thinking she is cute and petite because of some little nickname you gave her and yet she doesn't even think that it just might have something to do with one of her body parts?!
- Nope. Remember, not all girls have a head - like you do...
- I wish I could say I am flattered. But no, instead I have to say that all credit goes to my rascal and naughty guy students, their sad immoral stories and their wonderful advice!
- Oh, I can give you some more advice!
- Don't you worry about it! I've got more than enough advice for one day - no need for more!!!
And if all the above weren't enough, Rascal still got to send me a little "chart" he created on the male species. Here it goes: (Sorry it's in Portuguese - I might translate it soon and then I'll add to this post)
Feio | Bonito | ||
Mal Sucedido | Ignorante | Lascado | Aspirante a Gigolô |
Culto | Tendências Matrimoniais | Aspirante a Maritíssimo | |
Bem Sucedido | Ignorante | Ímã de mulheres fúteis | Super ímã de mulheres fúteis |
Culto | Costuma ser seletivo | É o cara! |
